Cycling Through My Mid-Life Crisis

I was on my road bike in the Pyrénées, climbing Col de Tourmalet, and at four kilometers until the summit, my head was hanging. It felt like I was engulfed by a sort of haze. Everything hurt, and we still had so far to go before the day would be finished. I was feeling low, and it was as if time was now moving close to a standstill. Gauche, droite, droite, gauche reveil! Left, right, right, left, wake up! I was fading fast on this stretch where there was a steep slope heading upward to the right of me and to the left, a steep slope leading downward with views of the valley. The road was narrow and felt like it was carved into the mountain.

As I pedaled, I suddenly noticed little furry ears to my left. “What the hell? Am I hallucinating?” These ears were coming closer and closer, and as they did, I made them out as llamas’ ears. Yes, a little group of llamas was climbing up the side of the slope to approach the road. “I am not hallucinating!” I shouted as I pedaled onward to avoid running into them. Still not completely clear about what was happening, another group came from the right but moved downhill, even faster toward me. “Ahhhhh!!” I yelled out as I sped as fast as I could to get past them before they came out in front of me and knocked me over. Phew! I made it. I got past them, and as I was now awake, I looked ahead and saw what I could only describe as a shit storm of activity going on only a few meters in front of me.

Let’s just say that suddenly my attention level increased enormously as things evolved over the last section of this climb. Of course, we had camping cars, and people were outside cheering us on, which was nice. Along with humans walking around beside their pets without leashes and their children not paying attention, they were now the least of my concerns. Other life forms were making an appearance on and near the road. I saw the occasional cow strolling across the road, the odd pack of llamas crossing, or even hanging out in the road. Oh, for fuck’s sake! God, I just want to finish these four little kilometers — well, by now, less than four, it’s probably more like three — in peace without running into livestock and damaging my bike. Can you do that for me, please? Please!?

In July 2018, I cycled the Tour de France route one day before the professionals with a group of amateur French women who call themselves “Donnons les Elles au Vélo.” In English, it’s a play on words meaning either, ‘give wings to the bike’ or ‘give “her” to the bike.’ We just refer to them as “Les Elles”. I wasn’t accepted to be on their team, but with their permission, a small group of us decided to do the whole thing with them anyway.

During those three incredible weeks, which were an adventure of a lifetime, I celebrated turning fifty. It was one of the hardest physical and mental challenges that I had ever completed, and its rewards were unfathomable. In the throes of tackling the challenge of cycling a little more than 3,300 kilometers over the course of a twenty-four-day period with a group of women easily twenty years younger than me, I forgot about who I was supposed to be and was more focused on who I wanted to be.

So just what’s my story anyway? I’ve been an expatriate for twenty-five years and am currently based in France. I am a life abroad coach which means I help people live and work abroad. I am also a triathlon coach and multiple Ironman finisher.

Getting started in triathlon training is how I developed a love for cycling. Deep down I’m a runner and, while I’ve done many marathons, I was apprehensive about riding the bike outdoors as a form of training. It just seemed so complicated and dangerous. Aside from actually knowing how to ride a bike, I had to learn everything, clipping in and out with bike shoes, eating and drinking on the bike and even standing on a climb. But once I got started, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wanted to improve, find the best gear, and keep discovering beautiful places in France to ride. Cycling completely transformed my life and allowed me to see the world differently.

The summer before my adventure, I was watching the Tour de France and every day they would show a very short segment of “Les Elles” cycling the entire route one day before the pros with brief highlights. Watching these women, I thought to myself, “If they can do it, I can do it… probably.” I entertained the idea often and shifted from thinking how cool the experience would be to thinking of how uncomfortable and brutal it would be.

In the fall of that year, there was a call for applicants, I seemed to fit their requirements, so I applied nervously. My application was rejected, but I didn’t let that deter me. It fueled my fire to find a way to make this journey happen. I wanted to know just what this fifty-year-old body was capable of. Could I really do this?

Thanks to Facebook, I was able to connect with other women who, like me, hadn’t been accepted to Les Elles. We contacted the team and, with their permission, planned to cycle the entire route with them using our own support and funding. We ended up being a team of four and cycled with the group the entire time.

On the last day of this three-week journey, we rode into Paris for one victory lap on the Champs-Elysees. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and the world-famous boulevard was bustling with cars and tourists. We did not have the luxury of the roadblocks, fanfare, and police support that was granted to the male Tour de France riders as we headed toward the chaos of the iconic final stretch. That small stretch of road was one of the most traumatic yet exhilarating experiences of my life. At certain points, I was convinced I’d be struck by a car, but in the energy of that moment, I felt so fully alive! Every part of my being was vibrating. My brain was flooded with emotions, but what I felt most was an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

For the past fifteen years, I have struggled with depression. One of my tools in the battle against this illness is endurance sports. I know that exercise will never make my depression go away completely, but during these three weeks, I realized that living in the moment, even the ones where my body was screaming from exhaustion, kept me happy.

As much joy as it brought me on this journey, I know that living in the moment isn’t easy. When I took on this challenge, I knew it had no apparent relevance to advancing me further in other areas of my life; I wasn’t going to earn money, and finishing wouldn’t solve any of my problems. Or so I thought. I couldn’t explain why I was doing this, I just had to do it. I’ve learned from this experience that adventure helps you reach your goals, even if the adventure has nothing to do with what you hope to accomplish in the future. A true adventure forces you to live in the moment. It gives you more clarity and vision of your current state than overthinking, analyzing, and obsessing ever could.

My message is that endurance sports and adventure can transform your life. By pushing yourself past your limits you position yourself to overcome fear, leave your comfort zone, and gain confidence.